Diary Of Dreams - The Valley

The Valley.mp3

I will try to keep the tracks here relevant to feelings and situations at the current time.  Sometimes it's just easier for me to explain something this way when it just fits so well.

Not embarrassed just disappointed

June 18, 2017
So I'm still here. Though there are more and more times when I'm thinking I won't be by the next day. The problem is purely me. I am what is wrong with everything. I have no idea how to fix this, fix myself. The longer it goes on the further away I feel from any kind of solution.

So many dreams I had, I still do somewhere deep down inside of me. I pretty much let go of any hope of fulfilling them when I realized my bf was not even remotely interested in anything except his computer games. I have fallen into something I don't know how to get out of anymore. I want to give up, I'm a coward, it's too hard now. Coward that I am though, I still cannot bring myself to finish it. I can't even come up with any good reasons not to anymore yet something keeps me from it. Maybe I am too scared, maybe I am punishing myself by staying alive, maybe I am too apathetic, I just don't even care enough to do it.

The joy of mood swings, depression you don't have the energy to do anything, good or bad although you think of it all the time, but come a mixed episode and all bets are off. All the energy you want, great to begin with but it will turn on you and soon you have all the dark suicidal thoughts and the energy of a boat load of duracell batteries to act on them all.

I wish I was never the one they relied on, the one who's broken emotions mean they can seem calm when everything around them is falling apart. When people die to be the one turned to because you can talk about everything without falling apart yourself and making them feel worse. The one who is destroying their self by keeping it all in because they know no other way of dealing with everything. I am glad in a way that my broken mind can help someone like this but it drives most people away when they think I am just uncaring and empty. This is when I need to do things to feel something, but of course if anyone knew it would just prove their thoughts of me justified.

Even relied on to be the bright one, the success, what a joke. Bullied since even primary school and too much of a mess to fight it even at university. I let them walk over me, plotting my revenge like a fantasy novel that will never see the light of day. The schoolyard massacre was in my mind long before the newsreaders made them famous. Now just the sick one, the one who never comes home. Filled with excuses and fear they will never see. Constantly running away from everything they tried to build me up to be, the disappointed and the disappointing.

Fuck.
 

May be last one, will be embarrassing if not heh

May 14, 2017
This will not quit.  Every time I think I may have a chance of pulling myself out of this something happens to drag me down again. My relationship feels shot to pieces sometimes, I know some is what I am comparing to others but everywhere around me I see what I once believed I deserved, the total opposite of how things are now.  Although now I feel like I deserve what I got.

Just once I would like for someone to at least give me a little bit of thought, to do something out of the blue to show ...
Continue reading...
 

No

May 12, 2017
I have been trying to hold off admitting this, even to myself. I am totally broken and I have no idea how much longer I can hold off on what I feel. So much is going wrong and I just cannot take it. It feels as though just one more thing will be the one to take me over the edge 

I don't even have anywhere to turn that I can see. Nothing anyone can say will change anything. Going to the GP will end up one of two ways. 1. I will be told everything I have before, no meds that will work for me, tr...
Continue reading...
 

Short and salty

May 10, 2017
I've had the intention, and need, to post something recently but I find that I need to be in the throes of it at the time in order to be able to explain it all without making things worse.  Right now I'm succeeding in obliterating thoughts one way or another so if I tried to drag it up to explain I will end up in the extreme situation again.

Basically I am spending 90% of my time suicidal and at actual risk of acting.  It is taking everything in my power when the thoughts and knowledge of cert...
Continue reading...
 

Sick of being sick

May 2, 2017
I am beginning to get to the point of wondering if this is all my life is going to be.  Constantly either being sick or being in pain and half the time not being able to do anything about it, the other half nothing I do working.  I know that some things are only ever going to get worse, in a way I had accepted that but I had done so expecting that some part of my life before it all took over would feel worthwhile.  I want to travel, I want to experience things, I want to have memories to trea...
Continue reading...
 

The prodigal monster returns

May 1, 2017
Well it looks like I've managed to revamp (for what it's worth) this site. To be honest all I really wanted from it was the blog because it is separate from everything else that I do and I feel more secure being honest on it with things that I would be hated for thinking/saying by people in general.

Right now there are some things I feel like saying, but I am exhausted. Anyone that knows me knows that the normal bedtime for me is anytime from 6am onwards.  Recently, however, I am always tired....
Continue reading...
 

Been a while (part may be graphic description)

October 28, 2011
Soooo blah blah I've been in trouble quite a bit recently, not had the energy to post not even anted to speak to anyone.  I know I've bee sinking badly into depression but Ihad no idea how to dig myself out.  I know I'm not out of it but right now I'm more blank than anything.  I know I am blocking out any feelings I have.  On the 9th Oct I got a phone call, well, my bf did which was because he is an 'a' and so first and easiest to reach in a hurry.  My dad got taken to hospital.  I think I'v...
Continue reading...
 

Hehe....hehe.....hehe

June 4, 2011

Continue reading...
 

Uh, I would back away rapidly

May 23, 2011

Continue reading...
 

God and the supermen

May 2, 2011
Strange how the meaning of words and phrases are lost in time.  Taken out of context to suit our own argument or view of the world.  The term Ubermensch (overman or superman) to me has never seemed more than a natural evolution and when seen as springing from the "death of god" it should make sense.

To those who can't tell yet I'm a fan of the work of Nietzsche.  Also to those that couldn't tell, this post may not mean much.  Those to whom it will be relevant may find their way to reading some...
Continue reading...
 

About Me


Rael Resident nut-job, collecting weapons, music and whatever crap I happen to find too pretty or shiny to refuse. I draw, paint, write and you may be forced to witness some attempts of these on here :) Don't be scared, I only bite once.
Make a Free Website with Yola.