Soooo blah blah I've been in trouble quite a bit recently, not had the energy to post not even anted to speak to anyone.  I know I've bee sinking badly into depression but Ihad no idea how to dig myself out.  I know I'm not out of it but right now I'm more blank than anything.  I know I am blocking out any feelings I have.  On the 9th Oct I got a phone call, well, my bf did which was because he is an 'a' and so first and easiest to reach in a hurry.  My dad got taken to hospital.  I think I've been shaking ever since.  Andi said there and then they didn't think he would make it.

My dad has had copd and sarcoidosis for a long time, pretty much under control though he had been ill recently I know.  My mum kept telling me it was stress about me and how desperate our situation often is.  I don't think any of us saw this coming though.

My car hasn't worked for a while, I hadn't told them as I knew it would be more worry. But now I was planning my route home knowing full well my car would not be able to do it.  I didn't know whether to set off there and then, but then they couldn't call me and they weren't at home anyway.

Got a call at some point later, I don't know how long but it was at 9.30pm and it was my brother.  He just said 'dad's died'.  He just broke down and I couldn't because...well I don't know if I did he would be worse and I guess I wanted to be as calm as possible.  He wanted me to come home there and then but I knew I wasn't in a fit state to drive.  We agreed that I would drive there the next day. My mum eventually told me step by step what happened, she realized i needed to know mainly because in my head i thought he was conscious and aware and scared but they think he died very shortly after they knew something was wrong and before they even called the ambulance they just kept trying on him hoping i guess. seems his heart pretty much just imploded, i have all the names for the things they said happened but dont see the point in naming them.

Not sure what I was thinking but I was going to go into work and tell them I wouldn't be in (they have no contact number apart from an answering machine and I refuse to leave that message.  Spoke to my mum later and I think they had drunk a hell of lot by then (I would have but was still expecting to drive).  Anyway it was decided I was to be picked up by them on Tuesday so that I could go and see him. (I think that visit will be in the private blog section).  So I went in monday and told them i needed tues/wed off.  Manager called me in shortly after with the union and basically said I could go hom and it would not be counted (they can be merciless higher up so that was good of them).

What use am I at home though, all I could do was not think and wait until they came.  Andi didn't come, tbh I didn't want him to.  I am emotionally void at the best of times and the fewer people see my weirdness the better.  Went to see him, my brother fell apart but all I could do was touch/feel him and it didn't make it any more real.  I felt empty and that made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  Just cold, wih all the chemicals I guess.  I could smell them, still can.  dont seem to have been able to get the smell out of me since.  Odd to see someone frozen so solid yet the surface of the skin , i dunno like rubber just so cold.  I think my mum thought id freak out, I knew i wouldnt but i couldnt explain to her how i knew without making things worse.  I dont react correctly, i know theres no right or wrong everyone reacts differently but i react more abnormally than most.

I havent cried yet, not really. See I mirror people, sat here I have no chance of crying no matter what.but if my mum or brother (mostly him) start crying then i struggle.  I know all im doing is mirroring, i know what im supposed to do so im doing it so i dont look like a total sociopath but i need someone else to show me when and all i do is copy.  fuck that sounds so bad, i cant explain it ive been trying to myself but i still sound cold.

everything is buried so deep in me i have never liked showing it no matter what only it goes too far and now im alone in the house surely it should be ok to let go but i cant.  if anything it is coming out in anger.  i nearly took someones head off at work, long story but he is a known moron and was ranting and raving drunkenly and got too forward and aggressive with me. luckily i just stood up really violently and walked off. friend thought i would hit him she tried to grab me but i jut left and paced a lot.

aaaaanyway. went home wed ready for the funeral, we went to see him again and it was just less real than before.  too small and mum kept saying had to remember it wasnt him.  it didnt look like him though. his hands felt like a rubber puppets and just so small, didnt look like had ever been a real person and def didnt look like him.  I put a letter in his jacket to go with him, took a long time to write, once i started i dont think i dared stop.  eventually i want to get a tattoo on my leg, partly for me, a quote 'we weep for ourselves' from the crow, he loved that film. maybe a grave and a crow standing on it.  still sounds like a wrong thing to be considering but its not for anyon e else, not really for him anymore i know it doesnt matter. just self indulgent me trying to justify being this emotionless.

my family was mostly its usual warped self. i spoke to the people i wanted to, the ones who havent been silly and bitchy to one another but the pervert in the family seemed to be trying to wedge himself in.  no one wanted to speak to him, tbh i did so my mum and brother didnt have to.  I was polite like i promised though, well i didnt say anything as everything i thought of was rude or sarcastic.

it went ok i guess, i didnt know there were two parts, one for general pub to go to, his coworkers, there were a lot heh it was nice they came. my brother's mates came and i am really glad. he needed them there and they reacted how i think he needed them too. they were lovely lads too and knew my dad from work.

i know i was deflecting a lot of stuff. i am not religeous and neither overly was my dad so the spiel they give doesnt move me.  i went through several songs in my head while she was talking. when they mentioned us, the family though they always named my bf too i thought that was really nice, he is a part of the family for both of them.  They played two songs by VNV Nation, my favourite band and his. i got him into them he loved them. songs were liebestod as we went in and then the vicar said they'd play a song he really liked 'holding on'.  i had to not quite listen to it but knowing they would be i hd prepared myself a lot to hear it then.

everyone asked me who sang it so i know it was popular and apt. beautiful songs really. i like being able to remember him hearing vnv too, not morbid or anything i knew it couldnt make them that for me. didnt want to never be able to hear those songs again.

the crem was easier for me in there, short, little talking easy to shut out and i block out a lot very easily. i saw the coffin but i remembered it wasnt him in there, didnt even look like him. curtains were shut. my mum broke down though. my brother is trying so hard and i dont want him to have to.  i know i cant keep up my front for that long thats why i avoid people. he wants to not let my mum down and he isnt at all, if anything i am by being and thinking the way i do.

of course people waited outside, family and random people (some wanted).  naturally i get collared by the ones i least want to again, i know they saw me not listening i was watching my mum and brother make sure they didnt get caught by people they trying to avoid.  i talked a little to them, i didnt hide in the end that i was trying to leave them and go elsewhere but they kept holding my arm and trying to keep me there. my family dynamics are hard to explain but they are pretty fucked.  one relative told me all about his madonna porn collection and has a blatent eating disorder and narcissistic complex.  some are hysterical, neurotic, one i belive has bpd but she is a blatent attention seeker. her bf is in prison for 3 yrs and messing any chance he keeps getting to get out.  he hangs with gippos (not proper gypsies just the travellers that rob people, nick anything that isnt nailed down even if it belongs to my family (his family by default if with her).  i have personal space boundaries (very small ones) and everyone there almost was breaking them.  only one of my mum's sisters and her family were people i made a point of going to speak to.

of course all the ones we wanted nothing to do with invited themselves to the house. my grandad was there though which was nice.  my brother headed upstairs (good on him) and i got with my mum in the kitchen with a very nice lady who was the wife of my dads brother (who was also my mums ex husband -dontask_ he is a fucking creepy man, he goes to hug you but wont touch you.  she was so nice though, im glad we got there i would have knocked someone out if id been with them, they are full of fakery and gossip.  they went for a meal, actually invited us, sounds like a nice thought but seriosuly who would contemplate that we would want to go after that? he even said 'oh but it's on us....' fucking great lmao really??? that what he thinks we cared about?

they left anyway in the end. i only had a bit to drink then, had gone through my pills/painkillers/diazapam (a few) and i had enough of a headache from the fair amount of whiskey we knocked back the night before.

and now im home, and alone. bf went out with his mum to set up a craft thing. i would have gone, nice to get out but tbh im ok just here settling back in and not thinking.  ive been avoiding this relatives emails for years, now he says 'do you get my mails?' i made an excuse, tbh i dont use email anyway, only looka t it if mum says she sent me something or if i have somethign official to check so i skip everything else anyway.  but apparently when i get home i 'just must reply to him', supposed to tell my brother too but neither of us want anything to do with him, fucking creepy he only tends to want anything to with with people if they have little kids. presume what you will he is a nasty pice. cheats on his wife and we think she knows, he bragged about it to my dad. he didnt like him either, avoided him when they came we always said we were going out.

gah this is long enough i think. i doubt im done, i guess writing is just keeping me busy but i need to stretch. i also think i put what i was going to put in the private one in here anyway. ah well