This will not quit.  Every time I think I may have a chance of pulling myself out of this something happens to drag me down again. My relationship feels shot to pieces sometimes, I know some is what I am comparing to others but everywhere around me I see what I once believed I deserved, the total opposite of how things are now.  Although now I feel like I deserve what I got.

Just once I would like for someone to at least give me a little bit of thought, to do something out of the blue to show they care.  It's mental health week this week (well it ends tonight) and all week people have been 'supporting on facebook and raising money etc.  The thing is though, as soon as this week is over no-one gives a shit anymore.  For me and so many others it never ends.  I don't actually care whether you had a special frame on your facebook page, or whether you posted the helpline numbers "in solidarity" because when it comes down to talking to a friend, to at least trying to include someone or just not generally making them feel like shit is what actually matters to me.

I am so totally alone.  I know deep down my bf probably cares, but when you can confide that everything is so far on top of you that you are terrified you are going over the edge, generally they wouldn't leave you alone (not saying watch over but generally checking on you is a good idea, they wouldn't leave you knowing you had razors and knives and a habit of using them, and they wouldn't keep yelling at you about something unrelated and completely silly in the grand scheme of things.

The first thing anyone would say is I should talk to someone.  Who though?  I do not have a single friend who either gives a shit or who is able to say anything that is going to make these things go away.  Last time I was really honest when I felt this way I got the response of "awwww don't say that" and another person just stopped speaking to me.  So yeah strangely enough I quit even trying to reach out and now I tend to dodge any "how's things" questions (even though they are meant in general I'm not a good liar and tbh it pisses me off when people tell me I look well when I am having to concentrate with everything I have not to do or say what is in my head).  People are shallow and uncaring unless it directly impacts themselves.  If they can either get attention from something or make themselves look good then they are all over it.  Apparently they realize I am too broken for them to 'fix' and be a hero.

This is pretty much the only thing stopping me acting.  So many people would act like they are so heartbroken, but they wouldn't let anyone know that really they all knew and ignored me in response.  I don't expect anyone to be able to fix me, I'm not that naive.  It would be nice though to know that I could be honest, be sad if I felt it, be angry, be human, and not have everyone run a mile.  They would get their time off and people would be gentle with them, look out for them and they would tell everyone how broken they were about it, how surprised, how they never say it coming and they would be comforted by everyone.  The same everyone's, including them, who have not given a shit about me a single time that I have tried anything.  After everything in my life I should be used to being ignored, dismissed, having everything I have said or confided trivialized or disbelieved but every single new time it happens I am devastated all over again.

I constantly get told "you must have someone".  No, I really don't.  The only person I can rely on to fight this is myself.  I have held myself together for so much longer than I ever thought I could, but when I lose my mind in the manner of not knowing what I'm doing, I can only hope that I have managed to put measures in place to keep myself at least marginally safe.  I am kind of lucky in that when certain things happen I am able to recognize them for what they are and while it is still terrifying to deal with, I can still keep in the back of my mind the ability to not completely react to them.

If the worst happens and we are homeless then I do not know what will happen.  The bf ignores just how much stress this is placing on me on top of how I am already feeling.  Last time I asked an innocent question I got yelled at so now I just have it all festering in my head, waiting to explode.  I literally cannot take this anymore, I alternate between feeling like I am actually going to explode in a rage, I see myself in a video in my head just tearing up wherever I am, screaming, hitting everything around me and finally banging my head against a wall until it bursts.  When I 'come back' to myself I have to actually check myself and around me to make sure I didn't do anything.  Usually I'm ok.  Other times like now I cry, or am on the verge of crying constantly.  The rest I'm just numb, I think I feel sad at the fact I feel numb but since I'm numb I don't feel it, I think it's just the knowledge that I 'should' feel sad more than anything.

I almost want an excuse, it seems that impulsivity isn't enough, there's still something that holds me back (one of the above reasons).  Actually not almost, I DO want an excuse.  I already know what I would do, I'm not even sure they would find me.  I've been on the verge for so long now, I'm tired of waiting for the tipping point.  When anyone finds this later, know that the people who claim to be so distraught are all liars.  The single person who isn't is maybe my bf, he may be part of the reason but I think that is more through ignorance than anything else.