I have been trying to hold off admitting this, even to myself. I am totally broken and I have no idea how much longer I can hold off on what I feel. So much is going wrong and I just cannot take it. It feels as though just one more thing will be the one to take me over the edge 

I don't even have anywhere to turn that I can see. Nothing anyone can say will change anything. Going to the GP will end up one of two ways. 1. I will be told everything I have before, no meds that will work for me, try therapy which doesn't work for me (yes I've persisted and done all they can offer), or 2. It will get me locked up if I admit what I am truly thinking and feeling and I cannot go back to that place, it would kill me anyway . 

I don't really have friends I can really wholeheartedly confide in anyway, the one I would say I maybe could I refuse to put more on them especially when I know there is nothing they can do or say.  My he'd hurts so much from crying, I am terrified if what is coming, if what isn't changing, of the life i didn't want. Once I had hopes by dreams and while it's the choices I made that put me with the person I am, I cannot change (and shouldn't I know) who they are and they are happy doing fuck all just wasting their life. I want to travel, to experience things and to feel like I'm living and wanted. 

Right now I want to be wiped off this planet into nonexistence. Earlier I could quite easily have achieved that by myself. I don't even have the luxury of being worried about anything without being told "you don't need to worry about that" (actually have g it snapped at me). If that magically made me not worry or even if it just answered my question about what we could do, that would have been something. 

I can't do anything right, just a waste if space getting in everyone's (definitely his) way and everyone would be better off not having this. Too many arguments, it's not even worry for me, I just feel a pain. I can't do this and I'm tired if having to pretend to be OK just to prevent an argument. I will internalise everything to a point but I am full up and about to explode. I cannot do this.