I've had the intention, and need, to post something recently but I find that I need to be in the throes of it at the time in order to be able to explain it all without making things worse.  Right now I'm succeeding in obliterating thoughts one way or another so if I tried to drag it up to explain I will end up in the extreme situation again.

Basically I am spending 90% of my time suicidal and at actual risk of acting.  It is taking everything in my power when the thoughts and knowledge of certain things all come at me at once to be able to even look human never mind converse and act human.

I feel dead already, I need an escape.  People say that suicidal people don't really want to die they want an end to the pain. Honestly though this has been going on too long, if the pain stopped for long enough  for me to get it together and do something then I still would.  Better not to have existed, but taking myself out of it will work the same.