I am beginning to get to the point of wondering if this is all my life is going to be.  Constantly either being sick or being in pain and half the time not being able to do anything about it, the other half nothing I do working.  I know that some things are only ever going to get worse, in a way I had accepted that but I had done so expecting that some part of my life before it all took over would feel worthwhile.  I want to travel, I want to experience things, I want to have memories to treasure and achievements to be proud of.

It's easy to say just go and do it then but not as easy to actually do it.  Money is a big necessity and right now I'm scared to death that we won't even be able to survive, never mind actually live in any meaningful way (for me - pretty sure he doesn't care about doing stuff but it is so important to me).  Depression is kicking in a lot at the minute so it's immensely difficult to even do the things I need to do (I'm the only one that works right now so we are bad off for cash and I have to keep hanging on) and all I can do when I get home is stare at nothing.  Even doing something dumb like playing my game to let myself be distracted just isn't cutting it.  I barely have the energy to exist, never mind to live.


People say that money won't make you happy, but it would allow me to put things into place that would make it easier for me to do the things that would.  Not for the sake of spending a tonne, just for the sake of not having to worry about bills, rent, paying to get more efficient medical treatment.  I have waited over a year for a rheumatology appointment and my gp thinks they were punishing me for something (that was their fault anyway).  Sooner of later it will be too late for any of when I hoped and when I know there is nothing left I will be nothing more.

A random thing that I always wanted was to be engaged.  I see so many people getting engages/married and I don't know why but it does hurt me.  I don't care about a big wedding, or even getting married at all (although that would be nice) but after the amount of time we have had, it just feels like there's something wrong with me if he hasn't yet and it isn't like I hadn't gently brought it up but I don't want to go on and then if it did happen I would forever feel bad like he only did it because I pushed too hard.

Fuck this, I feel so sick.  Sickness is one thing I don't normally suffer with and I don't handle it well.  I feel hungover if I'm honest but I haven't had a drink in quite a long time now.  Most of this week has been thrown away with depression, sickness/dizziness and constant exhaustion.  Maybe going back to work tomorrow will wake me up for at least a little while..........